A Hard Lesson
This week I was confronted by the things I thought I knew… The hard asphalt proved me wrong! Sometimes I go full throttle and without reverence. Fearless is one thing and cockiness is another. This impudence and disregard is basically me not knowing my Self and where I am.
Earlier this week, as I was speeding on my bike and trying to hop a curb, I instead went flying over my handle bars and landed on my chin. A giant bruise began to spider across my chin in the days following and just as I am starting to get used to the look, yesterday happened. I cruised at a decent speed on a longboard and shredded up my face. After these incidents, I realize maybe these small moments are symbolic of some greater insight: Slow Down! I do not have to be “careful” per se, especially since I am so averse to being careful, BUT I can take care in what I do. I can be thoughtful and mindful, I can infuse each moment with deep understanding. Impetuous tendencies and their heady lessons do not have to be my normal. Instead, I take that recklessness and grow it into fearlessness, and add to the pot: thoughtfulness + presence + heart to live a life of great adventure and meaning.
So how did it all go down? Well, come into my space. Be with me these past few weeks, in a whirlwind of activity. I had a tag sale on Sunday, put in my two weeks on Monday, sorted my things Tuesday and Wednesday, and came to the Cape Thursday night with my car packed with odds and ends. The seeded plans of the Spring are beginning to bud and actions set in motion are churning the wheels of time. I am ready and open to conquering. And with this overwhelming feeling of Freedom and Adrenaline, I careened into the weekend!
Yesterday was a beautiful day in Cape Cod when Jim and I set out to bike, longboard, and swim at Flax Pond. Temperature in the 70’s, sunny skies, wind at my back, Jim was towing me on the longboard as I adjusted my footing and gained comfort on four wheels sliding so smooth over this wide and expansive road, open and beautiful, welcoming me into her arms.
Coming the opposite way were two beautiful girls longboarding and we cheered as we passed each other! I let go of Jim, confident I could do as they do and sail like a summer breeze on this board. Instantly, the board wobbled back and forth, my ankles like jelly and my feet unknowing, I prepared to jump off the board when my feet tangled and tripped me with momentum, I went careening forward, head first into the asphalt. Feeling the loss of control, my body just splat on the pavement, like a paint drop strewn across a canvas – sailing delicately through the air when SPLAT! It hits the canvas abruptly and with just, such satisfaction. My forehead struck first and i could feel the impact. Confused and giving pause to what just happened, i sat up and blood poured from my brow onto my inner right thigh, into my hands, into my eyes, splashed around me on the pavement, my face numb. With my hands, I gently felt my face and pulled a shard of sunglass out of my forehead.
I road burned my face. I shredded it up. As I came to, in shock and anger, I began to realize sometimes I am really incredibly stupid. I dropkick caution to the wind. I was so upset with myself, my ego wanted to blame something external. So I told Jim I want to blame someone and he let me yell it out at him. I screamed a raw and ear piercing scream that cut into the beautiful, sunny day. I stomped my feet and kicked a pinecone just because. I was fed up with myself and the way I dive headfirst into situations. At times, it is a blessing, and other times, it has more severe consequences. What we are doing with TantraBanter has been super heady for me. I am moving into a new chapter of complete unknown. The prescribed path of lifetime achievement defined by academic and corporate success is being left behind and I am sure of where I am going but the how is unknown. My fearlessness in the face of this is an encouragement, but rushing into the unknown is a fool’s game, as has been shown to me. So my meditations here are to temper this fearlessness with a deep reverence to create something truly ENIGMATIC.
- Take care in what I do
- Check my presence and where I am
- Deep reverence for the asphalt