Wow! Thank you! What a warm welcome. We are truly touched, moved, and inspired! You all have just made this very real for us. We are six months into this conversation with each other and only now relating it to others. The response is such an encouragement, especially after the week we’ve had.
May 31st was Annette’s last day at work and by June 2nd we were on the road to the Cape with a car packed to the brim, moving mindfully into our new adventure. We’re stepping off the edge and the poignancy of the moment is not lost to us. We banter in the car: creation, revolution, a brand new life; and anxious not to lose a moment, we may have come close to losing them all.
This week we were confronted. The first of many foes. Anger. Thankfully we had been forewarned and we were prepared. Knowing full well the difficulty of the path, we’re charging down it anyway. When the dust settled this week, time spent in reflection revealed the way to work together and we’ve listed them below for the more expedient folks:
- Create a vision
- Commit to the vision
- Acknowledge any breakdowns and return to the commitment
With our vision in mind (explained in our introductory post https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@tantrabanter/introduce-yourself ), we scheduled a productive week of work with the qualities of love, freedom, and newness. Instead, we got a rollercoaster ride – twists and turns, loop de loops, peaks of happiness, troughs of anguish, starts and stops of doubt and despair.
Every day there was something new. As soon as we quelled one argument, another took its place. A new circumstance, a new story, a new feature but still the same face of Anger. And on Friday, everything coalesced into a bubbling of that great force that broke the surface of the brewing tensions.
We scheduled a fun day in Provincetown, the tip of the Cape, for some exploration and even before our arrival, we were stalled by a disagreement on the drive. The discussion carried the weight of marriage, kids, lifelong commitment, and taking on this completely new, created lifestyle. The rest of the day had that flavor of tension. All the heaviness from the days of the week, all the weight, the melancholy, and the dreariness. There was some part of Annette that wanted to bathe in it all while Jim wanted to disregard it and shake it off. And therein lay the disconnect: one party so swept by the feelings and emotions of tumult, and the other much preferring not to feed into it at that time. And that evening, exhausted by the day we had, we lay in bed, Annette feeling morose and sympathetic, almost saintly in her morbidity, and so Jim, although drained, inquired after it, sensing the upset in the air.
When asked what was wrong, she shrieked. It cut into the night like the flash of an aural sword. She curled into herself, tighter and tighter like a little nautilus, seeking to replicate the comfort of floating in an ether of a mother’s womb. Heaving sobs of childhood blubbering and snot coalesced into a mish mash on her face fogging up the night. Jim was freaking the fuck out, almost on the brink of losing his mind and seeing red, he felt helpless and unable to yell loud enough to jolt any type of response. It was pure and utter exasperation at being ignored, feeling like the only one in the conversation, and standing over Annette curled on the couch sobbing, he felt disempowered and at a loss, so concerned and so angry.
And still, nothing.
Storming upstairs, he took his aggression out on the wall and his fists. Annette’s ears pricked at the sounds that stormed around her.
This raw recount of what occurred is a harsh truth, which remind us that none of it reflects our commitment to ourselves, each other, or our project. This was not the vision in mind. A serious disconnect warrants real reflection, which can offer reconciliation. In those moments of rage it was nearly impossible to remember our Selves, those who made the commitment to take responsibility and be of support. Instead, hijacked by the ego, we regressed. When anger is confronted by another ego, one has the choice to allow the ego to react or to move bravely forward re-connecting with commitment. Without the latter, the ego steals all of the energy for its own survival.
The practice is to recognise the ego before it butts in and starts throwing its weight around. Even now, as we write this with our commitment in mind, our egos lie in wait, just outside the door. It requires constant vigilance to keep energy committed to our consciousness, rather than to our egos. And this is where the meditative practice comes in: time devoted to directing energy consciously.
Nine days later, we’re choosing not to view the week as wasted time but are excited to see the evidence of growth and progress. We are excited to continue on. All the fighting that ensued in spite of our enthusiastic commitment to meditative awareness in the now, Now, and NOW, almost cost us all that we have created thus far. But thankfully, we have a guiding light and each other to bring clarity when the static surges.